Part 1
It’s a beautiful day, the sun is shining, the birds are singing, and one Newgrounds Moderator/Forum Dad/ Co-Host of the hit podcast the Dom and Fro Show is enjoying his vacation. Fro is laying back in a beach chair with a book in his hand when a shadow suddenly blocks his sun, he sighs, “Ya know Tom, I was cool with you not actually letting me leave Newgrounds HQ for my vacation under the condition no one would bug me. This better be an emergency.”
“Technically, it’s more of a catastrophe.” Tom stated.
Fro groaned, “What happened now? Is SevenSieze planning another heist on the HQ?”
“Yeah, but we’ve got that handled.” Tom assured as a window in the Newgrounds HQ building was smashed open as SevenSieze climbed through it, “I mean we’ll deal with it later.” he corrected, “The real problem here is with the Ruffle Software, it’s been stolen.”
Fro sat up in surprise, “You’re fucking with me.”
Tom shook his head, “I wish I was. I need you to find out who it was and get the software back, if we lose that software then Newgrounds will become nothing more than a relic of the Internet's past, like Kongregate.”
“What the hell’s Kongregate?”
“Exactly”
Part 1.5
Fro got out of his chair and did a stretch, “Alright, I’ll go check out the security tapes and see if I can find any leads.”
“Sounds like a plan!” Tom concurred as Fro walked away.
Once Fro was inside, another window broke open and SevenSieze jumped out with a case of beer, “Get fucked Fulp! I got my Mod status back AND stole all your beer!!!” she proclaimed before running off into the distance.
Tom sighed, “This is what happens when I let Fro relax.”
Meanwhile, Fro was making his way through the Newgrounds basement toward the security room, entering it to find two other guards asleep in their chairs, “HEY!” he shouted, waking them.
“What, what’s going on?!” one questioned.
“Is BillyRedSnake on another drunk tirade?!” the other asked.
“You’re supposed to be watching the feeds!” Fro reminded, “What the hell’s wrong with you?!”
The guards looked at each other, “I mean, do we really need to?”
“Yeah, I mean, most people just think this site is defunct anyway, right?” the other added.
Fro groaned, pushing the guards aside and accessing the security archives to find the last video of the ruffle archive as it was stolen by a shadowy figure, “Oh shit, how’d we miss that?” one of the guards questioned.
“Because you’re incompetent.” Fro reminded as he picked up his phone, dialing the only person he could think of who could give him the answers he needed, “Dom, I’m about to send you a video and I need you to tell me if this is some ninja shit.” he explained.
“Okay.” Dom agreed as Fro sent the clip, a moment passed before Dom spoke up, “Yeah, that’s some ninja shit alright. You gotta go to Nepal, man.” he explained.
Part 2
Fro climbs to the top of a mountain in Nepal, the cold was unbearable for a man who refused to wear a shirt 70% of the time. His journey was not in vain though, as he’d finally reached the dojo of his old ninja master. He noticed one peculiar detail though, he certainly didn’t remember a giant apple design on the door when he’d trained there years before.
He entered the Dojo to find even more apple branding on everything in the building. Approaching his old master, Fro saw that he was eating a fruit… Do I really need to say what kind? “Fro, so nice to see you!” the master greeted, “What brings you here?”
Fro shook his head, “Not good news, unfortunately.” he stated, “I’m having a problem with some ninja shit and I was hoping you could help.”
The master stroked his chin, “Ninja shit, you say? Well, it certainly couldn’t be one of my students, as they’re all taught to follow the sacred rule first and foremost.” he explained, gesturing to a sign on the wall that read “Don’t be a Kung Fool, evil is uncool.”
Fro nods in understanding, “Of course, I just thought it was worth checking.” he stated, “Thank you for your time, master.” he said as he left.
Once he was gone, the master pulls out an iPad, opening a the video-chat app to contact his boss, “Mr. Jobs, we have a problem.”
“Then you know what to do.” the man said, “Kill him.”
Part 2.5
Later, Fro was on the plane back home, planning his next course of action when he suddenly looked out the window to see a missile heading straight for his plane, “Oh shit.” he says as the plane is shot out of the sky.
The remnants of the wrecked aircraft crashed into the middle of the Asian wilderness in a great ball of flaming destruction from which there were no survivors…
Except for Fro, because he had his tray table up and his seat-back in the upright position before the crash, thus saving him from any kind of danger. His only problem now was the fact that he was stranded in the woods with no way out.
Part 3
After months in the Nepalese wilderness, Fro was discovered, though the discoverer, an unsuspecting tourist, was unaware of exactly what it was they were discovering. Their interaction was brief, as Fro first asked if they spoke English (in English,) then if they spoke Italian (in Italian, which Fro knows, on account of being Italian.)
"I guess I'll go fuck myself." said Fro, once it was clear the explorer knew neither language, and while he walked away a photograph was taken and was later posted to r/cryptids, where it went viral to the point that even Newgrounders, who are famously too smart for reddit, heard about it, and a helicopter was sent to the Tinjure Milke Jaljale where the photo was taken, piloted by famous helicopter PsychoGoldfish. When he got there, the rhododendrons were blooming, but it was still December. While Fro had been gone, someone whose forum activity had since gone unmonitored had managed to convince a sizeable portion of the userbase to accelerate global warming to a ridiculous degree.
Fro initially thought the thing was sent by his previous assailants but once his pet labradoodle managed to catch a scent of the pilot all the way from the ground, and subsequently began barking happily in the helicopter's general direction, he emerged from the trees, his beard having grown all the way down to his waist, and his chest hair being thick enough to stop a bullet.
They all flew back to America in relative safety, as PerkeleGoldfish knew how to evade notice as best as possible, though the labradoodle was not given a seatbelt, and on account of this fact PontiusGoldfish would have his pilot's license revoked for the following six months. On the way he and Fro spoke, once it had been made clear that there were no smartphones in the helicopter, as the pilot had dropped his in a goldfish bowl like a ditz.
PilotGoldfish was initially confused by this, but Fro explained that the people he was after could probably listen in on their phone conversations, and therefore probably also any conversations in their phones' general proximity. PorridgeGoldfish, an avid Last Week Tonight viewer, recalled their episode on Edward Snowden and suggested it might be the NSA, or Five Eyes, the latter of which made Fro hungry for burgers and fries, upon which they agreed to land where such a thing was immediately accessible. Of course it was neither, and upon hearing who it really was PseudoGoldfish's jaw nearly hit the floor.
Once they landed, they got their burgers and fries, Fro taking many, many burgers, as he has a considerable capacity and was quite hungry after months in the wilderness, Fro sought out the shittiest car he could find and approached the lady who herself was approaching it.
“Hey, you wanna take a helicopter ride wherever it is you're going?” he said.
“Uh...” she said, turning around and appreciating both his shirtlessness and his labradoodle before continuing, “sure? What for?”
“Lemme borrow your car.”
“Uh….what for?”
“Oh, you know, because it looks like shit.”
“That doesn't answer my question.”
“Well, I'm going sort of incognito so I thought no-one would suspect me if I went in a car that looks like that.”
“...Makes perfect sense. Just don't wreck it.”
“It's pretty wrecked already.”
“Oh that's like a fashion statement, you know, it's like those ripped jeans you get.”
The lady raised a hand as if to gesture at herself and then presumably realised she wasn't wearing those ripped jeans you get.
“Well, you get the point. Where's the helicopter?”
Fro pointed at the helicopter. The lady turned around and appreciated it for a moment.
“Yo, I love Newgrounds!” she said, before tossing her car key in Fro's direction. Fro caught it deftly, then he and his labradoodle got inside and began driving. The car screen said it was the 27th of December. He had to drive to New York, the state with the highest concentration of Italian-Americans, to visit an Italian relative, that he had, because he is Italian. The drive took two days, because in order to secure their burgers and fries PetitionGoldfish had landed in the state with the highest amount of Five Guys places, California. The drive went fairly smoothly, only the fuel gauge was broken so the car ran out of gas unexpectedly somewhere in the Ozark highlands, so he had to push the car to the next gas station on that incident, but other than that, things went perfectly fine.
Once he got to New York he went to his Italian relative's house and asked to use their phone, an old-fashioned rotary dial affair that he was sure was too ancient to be under any surveillance, and phoned his other Italian relative, an uncle who works as a higher-up in the mafia, because he is Italian. Upon explaining the situation, the mafioso concluded that anyone who tries to take on Fro tries to take on the family, and that that sort of thing simply doesn't fly, so he said he'd get something ready for an attack on the Apple headquarters (which, incidentally, are in Cupertino, California, making PhilGoldfish's landing spot rather bold in hindsight.) This concluded Fro's visit to his Italian relatives in New York, though an older lady among them tried to cook something which he had to politely decline.
Part 3.5
Driving to the Apple headquarters took another two days, leaving Fro with less than a day to get this shit over and done with, but fortunately the first major hurdle was dealt with, as the guards for the entrance had been bribed or replaced by mafia goons; and the last one was also dealt with, as an aircraft to take him to Pennsylvania had been situated nearby. His dog barked at him on the way in, and then pissed on a fire hydrant, which he wouldn't come to understand until a little later. Looking at the floor map, something presented itself as suspicious almost immediately, which was that it indicated there were several underground floors that the first visible staircase did not seem to lead to. This itself wouldn't mean much on its own, but on one of these floors was the office of one Steve Jobs, which was very suspicious indeed, as from his cursory research of the building he was in, it had only been in use since 2017, six years after Steve Jobs had died.
He knew what to do to get down there, so acted upon it. One of the guards who hadn't been replaced with a mafia goon entered the elevator, and Fro followed suit, knocking him unconscious and finding one of those slick-looking keycards, which he pressed to the elevator control panel, whereupon it revealed several extra buttons. He hit the one for the lowest possible floor, and when they arrived his dog barked and pissed on another fire hydrant. There was the office, curiously unguarded, and when he stepped inside there was a large screen and, more importantly, the disk containing the Ruffle software on an also curiously unguarded smooth white table which cost 15,000 dollars.
As Fro approached the screen lit up, with Steve Jobs' face on it. Fro was confused and not amused by this.
"Fuck's going on?" he said.
"Nothing much, dipshit." said Steve. "I'm just here to inform you that the moment you touch that thing you'll be shot at from all sides, mister...Fro."
"Oh. Well I guess I'll just go home then."
"Much obliged."
"I was being sarcastic."
"So was I."
"Sure you were."
And with that last statement, Fro burst into a flip, careening over the table and nabbing the disk as he passed by. Bullets flew at him from all sides, but only one hit him, and that one got blocked by his chest hair. Guards pooled in from where he'd entered the office, and Steve Jobs' big dumb face laughed at this development, but the labradoodle barked, and as it did so Fro realized what it had been saying. If there were fire hydrants, that meant the building was health and safety compliant, and that meant...
"There's a fire escape!" Fro said.
"Fuck!" said Steve Jobs, as Fro headed out, carrying the dog and the disk in each hand. The guards thinned out on the fire escape and were then easily picked off as a mafioso screamed "I make-a the meatball!" and opened fire on them. With this over and done with, he ran to the aircraft for a fairly uneventful flight to HQ.
Part 4 - Finale
Fro arrived Newgrounds headquarters and texted Tom Fulp: "i'm at the HQ"
On Times Square, Tom Fulp read the message. It was all cool now.
"Oh, what a rough year... Thank God it's getting over. I can relax now, knowing Fro is there to reattach Ruffle."
His wife and kids smiled as the ball started to go down.
At the Newgrounds Server Room, Fro was ready to attach Ruffle to the main computer and save Newgrounds, when a shuriken hit Ruffle hardware and dropped it from his hand.
"Not so fast"
It was the ninja.
"You! How did you get in here again??" Fro asked, surprised.
The ninja responded with another shuriken thrown. Fro dodged. Fro tried to pick Ruffle hardware up to make sure it got attached before midnight, but the ninja was quick and kicked him out of the way before he could reach it. An intense fight began.
Meanwhile, Times Square ball hit 30 seconds, with a level of excitement never seen before from the crowd.
Fro blocked, blocked and dodged ninja's attack. He was fast. All punches Fro threw in were dodged as if it was the easiest thing one could do. The fight lead them further from the main computer, towards the history shelf on the other side of the room.
Ten
That ninja could fight. But so could Fro. Fro saw an opportunity to grab his arm, but he would have to let a punch in.
Nine
"Ouch", Fro felt ninja's wrist on his face. But it was worth it. He grabbed his arm and turned the ninja around.
Eight
Fro saw the backward kick in the balls coming and blocked it with his knee. But it was enough for ninja to destabilize Fro.
Seven
Ninja got out of the move attempt by Fro. One, two, three blocks.
Six
Fro jumped backwards and grabbed a shuriken from the wall, where ninja have hit before.
Five
Ninja came in strong. Fro avoided, but ninja stepped the wall and managed to kick his face.
Four
Fro recomposed and feinted. Ninja fell for it.
Three
"That one will leave a scar", Fro thought when he slashed ninja's eye with the shuriken.
Two
Fro deflected a kick, ninja avoided a punch. Two punches hit Fro's chest.
One
"This one's really good." Fro thought. "I don't get hit in the chest since...."
Fro remembered.
"Wait!".
No one could hit his chest in a fight. No one except for his best friend. Dom.
"Dom?" Fro asked.
They stopped fighting and got to a safe distance from one another.
"It took you a while to find out, Fro". Ninja took off his mask revealing himself to be Dom.
"Dom! Why would you do this??? Why would you betray me???" Fro asked, surprised.
"You wouldn't understand. Do you think you have ambition? You don't know true power." Dom answered.
"i can't believe it..." Fro thought. "My best friend... we spent so many wonderful times together, and now i find out he was with the enemy all along..."
"YOU WERE LIKE A BROTHER TO ME, DOM!" Fro screamed as tears flowed from his angry eyes.
"But i don't have time to get all feelings... I have to attach the hardware!" Fro concluded to himself.
Dom was between him and the main computer. Fro took a look around and grabbed a tankman figurine from the history shelf, throwing him in Dom's direction.
...
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! The crowd shouted as the worst year of their lives ended. The fireworks went off. Couples kissed. Tom Fulp hugged his wife and kids.
"Ha! You missed me!" Dom bragged. "The fight is over now. There is no time for you to win. Newgrounds is nothing but a memory in a bunch of white nerdy dudes."
"I wasn't aiming for you." Fro revealed.
Dom turned his head and saw Ruffle hardware properly attached. Fro had thrown the tankman figurine on Ruffle hardware just in the right angle to make it jump off the floor and attach itself to the main PC.
"Nooo! This isn't over, Fro!" Dom started running away and Fro went behind him. They ended up on the roof and Dom jumped off. Fro decided to stay on the roof, for there there was a high technology sniper turret. He spotted Dom running on the courtyard and had a perfect shot. He couldn't do it, though. He couldn't shoot his best friend. Dom got away.
"Happy new year, boss." He texted Tom Fulp.
"Ruffle's attached succesfully and Newgrounds is safe."
End
